Why is this so hard?!?

I have to struggle everyday not to be so dadgum codependent!! I have to remind myself that when I tell someone not to worry about how they are inconveniencing me that they will take that at face value and will honestly not worry about it. When I don't tell someone what I need from them I can't expect that they will know. I have to remember that hinting, sighing and joking about my reality are not effective means of communication. I can't back down from asking for what I need...it just makes me look weak or like I am making excuses. I can't let someone else talk me into doing something that I don't want to be a part of--just because I don't want them to think bad things, or be mad, or decide that they don't like me anymore. I can't let other peoples needs outweigh my own. I can't continue being codependent. And I can't figure out how to stop either.

I will do really well for a while. I will remember to set my boundaries, I will follow through on what I say...whether that means helping someone out or refusing to buy into my ex's chaos. But then I will have this attack where I wonder if the reason that I don't have any friends is because I suck so bad. I will feel lonely and willing to do whatever if someone will just love me...just a little bit. I even do it with my son. Sometimes when I pick him up from his dad he cries and runs. He doesn't want to go with me. I know in my head that it is because he doesn't have a secure attachment to his dad, and that it stems from the fact that he doesn't have many rules at his dads house, and he gets to do pretty much whatever he wants. (Which is a problem that will get worse as he gets older I am sure...since most not-quite-two year olds don't have a really outrageous idea of crazy thing they want to do...but most not-quite-teenagers are a littl more troublesome.) He also gets to eat junk food and stay up past bedtime and if he cries dadddy will give in and let him do most anything as long as it isn't obviously dangerous. Suffice it to say mommy is a little more vigilant in making sure that there are rules and limitations and boundaries...and consequences when necessary. So add up that daddy's house is like a vacation from the rules and the junk food and the fact that he never, NEVER gets a nap before I pick him up and the fact that he doesn't have a secure attachment...well its not to hard to see logically why he cries when I pick him up. But my heart doesn't do logic and it breaks in two every time that he cries and says he wants daddy after days without seeing me.

It's at those times, when I am low and blue, that the codependent part of me comes crashing back, full force. And then I feel like I have to start from scratch and begin all over again with the reminding and the remembering and the hoping that I get it right this time.