I'm BAAACK!

Okay, so I've been gone a long time. Work has been insane...in a good way. I keep thinking that it will slow down and stop being so crazy, so busy, so challenging...at least for a little while. Everytime that one crisis has been averted or dealt with the next thing looms up out of nowhere. We finally got fully staffed and the we had to get ready for our QI reading (internal file auditing), which is a really big deal, then our most experienced casemanager gives notice. And in amongst all of this we are still responsible for our day to day stuff and any minor emergencies that come up, which seems to happen with regularity.

If anything this job has helped me learn how to let go and "let God". I was unaware of it for a long time, but apparently I have "control issues". Which is Codie Speak for I freak out when things are crazy or happen unexpectedly or I don't have complete control of all aspects of every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I don't have problems...SHUT UP!! Anyway, I have had to work really hard at not losing my mind when my entire day is lost to dealing with unexpected things, unplanned meeting and the uncontrollable talking of certain individuals.

I do have to say that it has been great being the one that people come to asking questions. I feel useful when my newer coworkers need me for something...cause all good codies like to be needed. My boss is so nice...she is always giving me compliments, but I never take the compliments. I always just have to tell her and anyone else how I'm really not all that good. It's impossible for me to let go of the codie "I hate myself" mindset. I am trying to take the compliments and say thank you, instead of "oh, no...I really don't mind staying late, putting in a million extra hours, taking on-call three times in one month and taking my laptop home with me to work at home...it's just part of my job. Please don't call attention to me". I like the acknowledgement, but at the same time I hate it. I don't want to be the center of attention, but I resent it when nobody notices how hard I work.

So while I am making progress in my codie tendencies I still have a long way to go. I guess I will keep working on it.

Okay so my blog kind of fell by the wayside when I got my new job. It's been kind of busy...which is why I am on here are one o'clock in the morning. I can't sleep. My ex is driving me crazy and I am letting him. He keeps freaking out and being a jerk and I keep feeding into it. I have to let go of the need to understand why he believes that he is right. And the need to prove to him that he is wrong. It isn't going to happen...either one. I will never get him and he will never get that he is the cause of his own problems. He will never be the person that I want him to be and I will never be the person that can deal with who he is. What concerns me is that our son is in the middle. He is putting our son in the middle. Isn't it already bad enough that he is going to be there any way, just by default? Why doesn't J see that pushing him even further in the middle is just going to exponentially multiply the damage. I despise people that use thier kids as pawns to make their ex spouse miserable. And that is exactly what J keeps doing to our sweet little boy. And when I call him on it, I am the one in the wrong. I will admit I could have used better language to call him on it, but I was just so fed up of his crap. I have had it and I still can't do anything to change it.

I Hate Codependency!

I hate that I can't seem to stop wondering what he says about me to other people. I hate that I can't quit wondering what his friends, that used to be "our friends", think and say about me. I hate that it breaks my heart that people have cut me off because I refused to pretend that it wasn't going on. I hate that I wish I had just kept on pretending...cause at least maybe then I wouldn't be feeling this. I hate that I am so weak and whiny. I hate this whole situation. I hate codependency!!

Mary, Mary Quite Contrary!!

Sometimes I am a huge bundle of contradictions. I want my ex-husband to miss me and wish that he could have me back...but I don't want him back and if he tells me that he wants me back it makes me uncomfortable. I love people and want them to love me...but when they do I cringe in fear. I want people to want to spend time with me...until they are there and then I want to be alone. I wish people would pay attention enough to talk to me and then I hate the sound of someone elses voice intruding on my conciousness.

I read a post once by a great blogger who calls herself Mary P. Jones (its a pseudonym) entitled "I Crave and Loathe Attention". You can find it on her blog, here.

When I read this post I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time (see, more contradition). She had done an amazing, satirical, witty, touching job of telling me exactly how I feel so much of the time. I have this feeling so often that it has just become a part of who I am. I remind myself frequently that I am just a crazy person that can't seem to decide what I want and can't seem to be happy once I have gotten whatever it is that I thought I wanted.

It was so comforting to know that I wasn't alone and that perhaps I wasn't crazy or unsatisfiable...I just needed to figure out how to identify those feelings for what they are. And what they are is my mind and body and soul telling me that what I want isnt always what I need.

There are times that I will desperately want company only to be irritated when someone shows up to spend time with me. What that tells me is that I am wanting company to avoid something...a feeling about myself, a project that I don't want to deal with, another person I am trying to buffer or avoid altogether...rather than dealing with it, like I really need to.

Then there are times that I genuinely want someone to spend time with because that is what I need at that time...connection.

I also recently realized that while I have always known I was shy, a homebody, not really an outgoing type person it goes deeper than that. I am an introvert...obviously. But I think I am an introvert for the most negative of reasons sometimes. I will admit a part of it is just temperament...but some of it is a struggle with something deeper, sadder and more difficult than just a basic personality trait. Some of it is because I want people to know the me that I wish I was, and I know the me that I truly am could never measure up. A part of me really believes that I don't deserve connection, that people will back away from me if they really knew me, that I am responsible for all the negative, bad, mean things that people have done to me. And even though a part of me thinks I deserve all that negativity and bad stuff...another part really wants to be safe from it. I want to be safe from the possibility of getting hurt...and the only way to stay safe is to stay separate. So even though I crave that connection, that attention, that LOVE....well, I shy away--sometimes run away--from it, in fear.

What does that make me??

Why is this so hard?!?

I have to struggle everyday not to be so dadgum codependent!! I have to remind myself that when I tell someone not to worry about how they are inconveniencing me that they will take that at face value and will honestly not worry about it. When I don't tell someone what I need from them I can't expect that they will know. I have to remember that hinting, sighing and joking about my reality are not effective means of communication. I can't back down from asking for what I need...it just makes me look weak or like I am making excuses. I can't let someone else talk me into doing something that I don't want to be a part of--just because I don't want them to think bad things, or be mad, or decide that they don't like me anymore. I can't let other peoples needs outweigh my own. I can't continue being codependent. And I can't figure out how to stop either.

I will do really well for a while. I will remember to set my boundaries, I will follow through on what I say...whether that means helping someone out or refusing to buy into my ex's chaos. But then I will have this attack where I wonder if the reason that I don't have any friends is because I suck so bad. I will feel lonely and willing to do whatever if someone will just love me...just a little bit. I even do it with my son. Sometimes when I pick him up from his dad he cries and runs. He doesn't want to go with me. I know in my head that it is because he doesn't have a secure attachment to his dad, and that it stems from the fact that he doesn't have many rules at his dads house, and he gets to do pretty much whatever he wants. (Which is a problem that will get worse as he gets older I am sure...since most not-quite-two year olds don't have a really outrageous idea of crazy thing they want to do...but most not-quite-teenagers are a littl more troublesome.) He also gets to eat junk food and stay up past bedtime and if he cries dadddy will give in and let him do most anything as long as it isn't obviously dangerous. Suffice it to say mommy is a little more vigilant in making sure that there are rules and limitations and boundaries...and consequences when necessary. So add up that daddy's house is like a vacation from the rules and the junk food and the fact that he never, NEVER gets a nap before I pick him up and the fact that he doesn't have a secure attachment...well its not to hard to see logically why he cries when I pick him up. But my heart doesn't do logic and it breaks in two every time that he cries and says he wants daddy after days without seeing me.

It's at those times, when I am low and blue, that the codependent part of me comes crashing back, full force. And then I feel like I have to start from scratch and begin all over again with the reminding and the remembering and the hoping that I get it right this time.

How did I become codependent?

I am not sure how exactly to approach how I learned to be codependent. I am also not sure, after having examined things more closely, that codependent is the right word. (I am always looking for ways to not be labeled as codependent.)

From what I understand people who are codependent have usually learned it from having lived with an active addict. I did not grow up in that situation. Neither of my parents are addicts...at least not that I can tell...unless being a workaholic counts. Both my parents work hard and have all of my life. I have seen my dad work two and three jobs, as well as working 90 to 120 hours in a single week. It wasn't however a compulsion, or something that he felt he couldn't control. When he felt it was no longer serving the intended purpose and had become unhealthy he stopped doing it. My mom on the other hand...well she has this problem saying no, and a problem with worrying about what people say and think, and this need to tell people how to run thier lives, fix their problems and handle everything from finances to house cleaning....and if you won't do it her way or listen to her she will just do it for you or push you until you give in.

I would venture a guess that rather than growing up with an active addict, I probably grew up with an active codependent. My mother was married to a man in her early 20's who was an addict...drugs. She learned in that part of her life coping skills that she has taken with her...codependent coping skills. But I don't think it was all from there. She had some serious compulsion problems before that. She was (is?) anorexic. I don't know if you ever really stop being anorexic. But I think that probably contributed to her overall understanding of how life works and how to make things happen the way that she is comfortable with. But this brings me back to...how did she become codependent? Neither of her parents are addicts...so I guess sometimes people are just born with a certain predisposition...some people are predisposed to addiction, so maybe others are predisposed to codependency.

Another interesting thing that my mom and I have in common is that we are both middle children. I wonder if there has ever been any research done concerning codependent traits and birth order?? I do know that generally middle children tend to have more of the peacemaker, helper, fix things for you traits that you see in codependents. That is a theory that I might have to look into further. Maybe it will be yet another reason not to ever have more than two children. (If I ever have a second one...I am beginning to think that I am only equipped to handle an only child.)

Me? CoDependent?

For a very long time I have had this habit of choosing the wrong people to be a part of my life. The first time I remember this happening was in 4th grade. I had a friend...let's call her R...and my mom didn't like her. Being a mom she could see that this little girl, while only being 10 years old, had already become a master manipulator. Not surprisingly her parents were divorced, she had a stepdad she didn't like and she had seen much more of the negative in life than I had at that time...more than any 10 year old should. She learned from watching her parents snipe at one another and use thier children against each other how to lie and manipulate to get what she wanted...and so she did. She apparently also realized that finding others who were not as worldly-minded as her made the manipulation even easier. Turns out I was much less worldly-minded. I was what you could call sheltered...wonderfully so. My mom tried to tell me that this little girl was not nice and would be a bad friend...but I thought she just needed someone to like her and she would be happy and a good friend...once she knew that someone cared...sound familiar?? (10 year old codies are so cute!!) Turns out I was totally wrong and she was a really mean girl...even after she knew I would be her friend. She hurt my feelings by saying bad things behind my back and trying to get me to cheat on homework for her...I never forgave her. That might be a bit melodramatic...but I really did work at staying away from her from then on...she could not be trusted.

I remember so many instances of wanting to be friends with someone who told me such sad stories, had a difficult past, people didn't like them, they were different, hurting, damaged. From the girl who had an alcoholic dad and a depressed mom, to the gay guy from Jersey that was kicked out of his dad's house and ended up in a podunk town in Texas...then was kicked out by his mom on his 18th b-day, to the high school boyfriend who was adopted and emotionally distant because of it. They were all hurting and in need of someone to love them. So I was there, I got lied to, kicked around, treated badly and kept loving them, being there when it put me in a bad position, and resenting that they didn't love me back. My life has been one sad story of being used and abused after another. And I have no idea why I ever started this codependent behavior. That is something I will have to explore.